Wednesday, 10 December 2008

The twelve days of Christmas
As remembered by
Barrie David

My dearest darling Charles,
How lovely it was to meet you after all this time. I am writing to thank you for a wonderful evening and an excellent meal. Your gift of a Partridge in a pear tree arrived this morning. Charles! Your so generous…
Your ever adoring Fiona….

Dearest Charles,
You really are amazing… It’s the second day of Christmas. This morning the postman brought two turtle doves. They look fabulously content sitting beside the partridge in the pear tree.
Your adoring Fiona…

Darling Charles! Your such a terrible romantic. I had to chuckle when the postman brought three French hens. Really Charles. That’s enough! The thing is darling, I’m running out of space.
Adoring as ever – Fiona.

Charles! You devil!
Four Colley birds. It’s very amusing but all they do is screech at the partridge in the pear tree and they’re upsetting the two turtle doves. It’s getting very noisy around here…
No more Charles! Please.

Five gold rings. Your so generous! What AM I going to do with you…?
Your eternally devoted Fiona,
Enough is enough? What on earth am I going to do with six geese A - Laying Your overdoing it love. Please darling! No more.
Cordially - Fiona.

For Christsake Charles.
Seven swans A – swimming. They’re chasing the geese all over the house. There’s feathers all over the place. This is getting out of hand. Please darling, stop…

Eight maid a - milking. It’s ridiculous! It’s not funny anymore! I am dreading what the hell the postman will bring next…

Charles! You dickhead!
Nine ladies dancing. I can’t move. I’m going mad. The silly cows never stop dancing. The four colley birds are still screeching at the partridge and I’m walking around in three inches of Goose crap. Why don’t you just piss off….

Exactly what the hell are you playing at? Ten Lords a – leaping. I’ll tell you what they’re leaping on. They’re leaping on and off the nine ladies dancing. It’s bedlam around here. I hate you Charles. I can’t stand it! I’m going mad.

Today that bastard postman delivered twelve drummers drumming – and they haven’t stopped drumming! The noise is horrendous! My neighbours are getting up a petition to have me evicted! The lords are still leaping on and off the dancing ladies, the eight maids are still milking and those bastard swans are still chasing the six geese all over the house. I’ve given your five gold rings to the local charity shop who refused to take the four screeching colley birds. The three French hens have given birth to chicks and the two turtle doves have both dropped dead with sheer nervous exhaustion. Finally, that bastard partridge in that bastard pear tree has developed a nervous tick and severe wind problems. All it does all day is FART. I have to warn you Charles, I never want to see you again! The next letter you receive will be from my Lawyer.
" " " "
For the attention of Mr Charles Bloggs.

Dear sir,
We write to inform you our client, Miss Fiona Jones, was today admitted to the Sunnydale Sanatorium for the mentally insane. She seems to think you had something to do with her ongoing suicidal urges. Could you please therefore get in touch with us.
Yours sincerely. Cooledge and Partners. Attorneys at Law.

BARRIE DAVID – Author – ‘Dormant Courage’ ISBN 978-0-755202-62-1